"Babylon A.D. explores the potential future connection between religion and science, but doesn't feel fully fleshed out. It stars Vin Diesel as a mercenary hired to transport a young woman from Eastern Europe to New York.
She has unique mental abilities, making her sought after. In New York, a new kind of faith is emerging, which could be a missing link in the puzzle.
The reveal of this missing link is presented in an exposition dump, leading to shootout sequences with choppy editing. Apparently, Fox interfered with the production to get a PG-13 rating. Still, the idea for the movie is interesting,
and I only wish I could have seen more - because there isn't much here.
Available on DVD and Blu-Ray
Grade: C-
Before "South Park", there was "The Bad News Bears", a movie that looks like it's about innocent kids playing little league. In reality, it contains borderline R-level profanity, including the N-word and the F-slur.
This is the kind of comedy that protrays children closer to how they actually are in real life - curious about adulthood, and desperate to grow up. Walter Matthau plays a disgruntled, alcoholic coach, who lets the kids swig beer
and call each other names. When his daughter wants to join the team, along with a chain-smoking juvenile delinquent, this brings unexpected hope to win the championship.
Along with the edginess, there is unexpected heart, as the daughter tries to gain the approval of her father as a girl playing baseball. The movie also has social commentary on the parental culture surrounding little league, with
adults who act like children over a game. "The Bad News Bears" is a time capsule of 70's family dynamics, but in terms of entertainment, it passes the test of time.
Available on VHS, Betamax, CED, LaserDisc, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: B+
One of the most successful movies of the decade also happens to be one of the most divisive. Some have hailed it as a sharp
critique on patriarchal society, others have denounced it as anti-men. So which one is it?
It's neither of those things. The basic premise is that Barbie and Ken venture off from the female-led Barbie world into the real world, where they learn about sexism.
Ken finally feels a sense of belonging, and brings back patriarchy to the Barbie world, turning it into a Kendom. While the first half of the movie is entertaining,
it takes a turn in the second half. When the underlying message is driven home, the delivery is aggressively direct, making you feel like you're being told what to
think, rather than being moved by a narrative. The male characters are portrayed as very one-dimensional, and while subverting gendered expectations was the point
of the movie, it's worth noting that the comedy doesn't hold broad appeal like it seemed to in the trailers. "Barbie" is nowhere near as good as critics made it out to
be, but nowhere near as bad as the internet's consensus suggests.
Available on DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: C+
I owned the complete 1960's "Batman" TV show on DVD as a kid, and watched it religiously. This film adaptation of our favorite hero is the finale for the first season. It stars Adam West and Burt Ward as Batman and Robin, respectively. Together, the Dynamic Duo work to stop a group of criminals consisting of the Penguin, the Joker, the Catwoman, and the Riddler. Their plan is to deploy a device that can turn humans into dust, which poses an international threat. Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne falls in love with a Soviet
journalist, or so he thinks - in reality, she is Catwoman, luring him into their diabolical trap.
The dastardly villains use exploding animals to get into the Duo's way, but the Caped Crusader has come equipped with gadgets that start with "bat", while the Boy Wonder puts "holy" before every sentence. This is obviously not the Dark Knight as we know him today. But it knows what it is - a silly adventure filled with cartoon whacks and smacks. At times, the comedic timing is genuinely clever, like when Batman tries to get rid of a bomb, but a marching band, a couple on a boat, and a flock of ducks get in the way. I also love how Bruce
falls for Catwoman's disguise, but immediately calls B.S. on the Penguin's. This 1960's "Batman" is an acquired taste, but with an open mind, you'll have fun.
Available on VHS, Betamax, LaserDisc, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: B
As a Batman fan, Tim Burton's adaptation of "Batman" is almost exactly how I imagined the character. He is dark and brooding, but lives in a stylized world, two essential components to the comic book that no director since has realized as fully. Michael Keaton stars as Bruce Wayne, an eccentric billionaire who takes on the criminals of Gotham
as none other than Batman. Jack Nicholson plays the Joker, a vengeful gangster who was double crossed after an affair, leading to chemical scars that he covers with clown makeup. As he wreaks havoc on the consumer goods industry by lacing products with chemicals, the Caped Crusader must take justice into his hands.
Kim Basinger plays Vicki Vale, a reporter who gets entangled in Batman's mission, which is polarizing to the people of Gotham. While she is essentially a damsel in distress, Burton drew heavy inspiration from the 1940's source material. Some have criticized Nicholson's Joker as not being crazy enough. Again, he is arguably the most true to the comics. While it's easy to look at him through the lens of Heath Ledger,
it's important to remember that he was pushing major boundaries for the superhero film in 1989. Somehow he manages to be both funny and scary. Perfectly complementing the action is Danny Elfman's thrilling score, which I hear in my head whenever I read the comics. "Batman" is an excellent adaptation. Just about its only real flaw is that Bruce's origin slightly deviates.
Available on VHS, LaserDisc, DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: A-
Matt Reeves has brought forth a new interpretation of Batman. This one leans more heavily into his work as the World's Greatest Detective, and combines Tim Burton's Gothic imagery with Christopher Nolan's gritty action. Robert Pattinson plays Batman, who goes after the Riddler, a serial killer targeting Gotham's high society. As the Dark Knight delves further into his investigation, he uncovers trafficking of a new designer drug, and realizes that his family may have something to do with what became of the Riddler.
Batman is not the mighty superhero he is in other adaptations - instead, he is a tortured soul early in his war on crime. Likewise, the Penguin is not the crime boss that he would become in the HBO series - rather, he is loosely connected to the drug deals, and has yet to climb in status. The Catwoman is thrown into the mix when her roommate mysteriously goes missing. I would summarize the plot in more detail, but in the spirit of the movie, I will keep how things are connected as a mystery. The Riddler was basically
a cartoon character in "Batman Forever", but here, he's possibly the most psychotic cinematic Gotham villain to date. He has a social media following that he shows his torture methods to, and creates sadistic contraptions to kill his victims. The action is more intense than ever, and it's gripping to watch. However, the runtime of nearly three hours felt unnecessary, with certain scenes going on longer than they needed to. Although I like that Reeves blended multiple influences, the visuals are dark and muddy at times.
Still, I recommend watching this one, as it effectively captures the spirit of the character.
Available on DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: B
Tim Burton was set to direct a third "Batman". But after the controversy of "Batman Returns" being marketed to children, Warner Bros. decided to replace him with Joel Schumacher. By watering down the Dark Knight, the studio had a property they could sell toys for. Michael Keaton left along with Burton, replaced by Val Kilmer. His Batman fights crimes committed in Gotham by Two-Face, while a scientist named Edward Nigma
works on a device that can tap into people's brains and produce holograms. Wayne Enterprises rejects his invention, due to its capability of extracting intelligence from another person. Nigma takes revenge as the Riddler, and Batman has more on his hands. An acrobat witnesses the death of his parents in a murder made to look like a circus accident, teaming up with the Caped Crusader as Robin.
Jim Carrey plays the Riddler, and has the manic energy of a cartoon character. He is by far the most memorable part of the movie. There is a love interest played by Nicole Kidman, but she lacks the interesting dynamic of Pfeiffer's Selina Kyle. As for Robin, Chris O'Donnell's portrayal is whiny, much like Mutt Williams in "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". Still, the movie looks pretty, with a barrage of neon colors, and the action is
well-choreographed, even if it was toned down. "Batman Forever" isn't bad, but it feels like a less self-aware version of the 60's TV show. Compared to Tim Burton's vision, it lands hollow.
Available on VHS, LaserDisc, DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: C+
This "Batman" adventure is animated and released under the Warner Bros. Family Entertainment label. This, along with its last-minute transition from direct-to-video to a theatrical release, led to its failure at the box office.
But don't be fooled - "Mask of the Phantasm" is a suprisingly smart and mature production. In it, Batman is wrongly implicated for murders done by the Phantasm, a new vigilante who goes after Gotham's criminals. The Caped Crusader must form a fragile
alliance with the Joker in order to solve the mystery of the Phantasm and clear his name. Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne develops a romance, but feels guilt over his own happiness, because he can't know whether it's what his murdered parents would have wanted.
Much like "Batman: The Animated Series", this movie not only works around its PG-rated constraints, but treats its younger target audience with respect for their intelligence. Even with the murders happening mostly offscreen, Gotham still manages to feel dangerous,
and Bruce's character arc deals with grief in a way that's unexpected for a cartoon. At 76 minutes, it feels a bit rushed, but it's hand-drawn after all. While Joel Schumacher's "Batman Forever" got more press in the mid-90's, this is the Batman you want.
Available on VHS, LaserDisc, DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD.
Grade: B+
The runaway success of Tim Burton's "Batman" led to this sequel, which was marketed with Happy Meal toys. In the movie, the Penguin plays with a disembodied hand and bites someone's nose off. Y'know, for kids! This led to mixed reviews and controversy in 1992. But
from a modern lens, this is actually one of the bolder and more ambitious endeavours of our Caped Crusader.
Michael Keaton reprises his role as Batman, who finds himself against the Penguin, a deformed man who was abandoned by his parents and seeks to wreak havoc on Gotham. As businessman Max Shreck seeks to expand his empire by consuming the city's power, he is blackmailed by the Penguin, and attempts to kill his secretary when she tries to retrieve his records.
She becomes Catwoman in revenge, and has an enemy in common with the Penguin. Meanwhile, her alter-ego, Selina Kyle, develops a romance with none other than Bruce Wayne.
Danny DeVito plays the Penguin, and he is exactly as I imagined him. He is funny, tragic, and creepy all at the same time. The same goes for Michelle Pfeiffer's sensual performance as the Catwoman. Christopher Walken plays Shreck, and while he gives a fine effort, he lacks the iconic presence of DeVito and Pfeiffer, and feels like he mostly exists to advance the plot.
Still, if you liked the atmosphere of the first "Batman", you'll love this one. It's even more twisted and gothic. As for the controversial violence, the movie is clearly rated PG-13, and parents should have gone in with more caution, hence the heading, "Parents Strongly Cautioned". The only bothersome element in the action is that Batman breaks his rule of not killing people, even
lighting a goon on fire with his Batmobile. But all things considered, "Batman Returns" was critically misunderstood at the time of its release. Tim Burton was fired by Warner Bros, and that's a shame, because I often revisit this movie at Christmastime.
Available on VHS, LaserDisc, DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD.
Grade: B+
At 72 minutes, "Bebe's Kids" feels more like a TV episode than a full-length movie. A Nickelodeon episode, to be exact - the plot centers around rambunctious kids, yet it carries a PG-13 rating. Who was
this movie for?
In all seriousness, there isn't much to the film. A man wants to impress a woman, and ends up getting roped into taking care of her kids at an amusement park, where various chaotic events ensue. "Bebe's Kids" is
competently made, but it's one of those titles that you forget about the moment the credits roll.
Available on VHS, LaserDisc, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: C
"Beer" is a product of the mid-80's, coming off a wave of movies that satirize businesses. In this one, the beer industry is parodied. Norbecker Brewing is desperate, and hires three
random dudes to save them through a series of TV commercials.
Another way this movie is a product of the mid-80's is its blatant homophobia. At one point, the three actors accidentally stumble into a gay bar, and get caught by the press. Norbecker leans
into this, making a commerical that takes place at a gay bathhouse, with every stereotype in the book. "Beer" isn't a particularly clever comedy, but there are some laughs to be had, even if some
of them are from shock of what you could get away with back then.
Available on VHS, Betamax, and DVD
Grade: C
This adaptation of the old poem uses motion-capture technology to mimic live-action with CGI. It takes place in Denmark in the sixth century AD, where a village struggles with monster attacks. A man named Beowulf sails to shore,
and after killing the monster that is causing terror in their mead hall, he goes after the monster's mother. However, he gives into temptation, as the mother turns out to be a beautiful spirit with the ability to grant kinghood. Thus,
we witness the corruption that overtakes our hero.
The animation was groundbreaking in 2007, but by today's standards, it looks like a video game, rather than photorealistic. Still, I'm a sucker for adult animation, and this movie pushes the PG-13 rating with its action sequences. Even if there
isn't much human blood, the monsters pose a genuine threat, with people burned and dismembered. The character arc that everyone granted king in the story is subject to creates a cyclical structure to the film, making it unusual as a big-budget
blockbuster. "Beowulf" is a fascinating production. There are moments that feel like 3D money shots, but that's nitpicking in an exciting adventure, and I can't get over the fact that it was from the creators of "Monster House" and "Polar Express".
Available on DVD, HD DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: B+
"A Better Tomorrow" had considerable impact on Asian cinema, with its signature "gun-fu" action sequences. In fact, kids in Hong Kong often wore long coats like the main characters, despite the fact that
this movie is too violent for children. It features a former gang member, who was double-crossed and spent time in prison. He feels torn between connecting with his brother, who strives to be a police officer,
and seeking revenge on the gang leader that betrayed him.
When his family is attacked, his brother blames his criminal ties, and seeks revenge on him. Revenge is a central theme in this movie, as well as how it can both separate and bring people together at the same time.
"A Better Tomorrow" is a slickly-directed crime drama with characters that toe the line between good and bad, making them real. Watch the movie in Cantonese with English subtitles, because the dubbing is terrible.
Available on VHS, DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: A
While directed just as well as his other movies, "The Birds" is one of Hitchcock's weaker films in terms of plot. It takes roughly 45 minutes for the first bird to show up, with little reason for the
drawn-out exposition. When an apocalypse of aggressive birds overtakes a small town, however, it becomes enjoyable as an early example of natural horror, as well as another Hitchcock production to push the Hays Code,
with enough violence to earn a PG-13 on home video in 1984. The concept of killer birds might sound silly, but if you're patient and willing to suspend your disbelief, Hitchcock's signature craft shines through.
Available on VHS, Betamax, CED, LaserDisc, DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: B-
"The Black Cauldron" had test audiences disturbed, and the archived stills from the lost original cut are surprisingly graphic for Disney to even consider. But it was neutered to reach a wider audience, ending up with the
first PG rating in Disney animation.
The plot follows a boy who is tasked with destroying a magic cauldron, which the Horned King wants to steal to create an undead army. He is accompanied by a princess, along with an annoying creature. Disney deserves credit for
creating an assertive female character who doesn't just exist to be saved. But apart from that, the story feels derivative, as does the soundtrack, which some have accused of ripping off "Ghostbusters". While the Horned King is
genuinely creepy for kids, the original cut would have been a bold move for Disney. Instead, they simply followed cinema trends of the 80's.
Available on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: C+
Although slashers got their DNA with films such as "Psycho", "Black Christmas" feels like a direct inspiration for John Carpenter's "Halloween", which would go on to revolutionize the genre.
"Black Christmas" takes place at a university during the holiday season, where a sorority is having a Christmas gathering. An obscene phone call abruptly changes the tone, and progresses to a
series of murders.
The movie is structured like a whodunnit, complete with red herrings, and some might be disappointed by the ending. However, it was a deliberate move against traditional conventions,
leaving the audience with a lingering sense of dread. "Black Christmas" is tame by today's standards, with most of the kills implied or bloodless, but it doesn't exist to shock the audience
with graphic violence. It's a strangely cozy film, with the softly-lit, festive atmosphere at odds with the harrowing events, making them all the more scary. If you don't like Christmas movies,
give this one a try.
Available on VHS, LaserDisc, DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: B+
This comedy takes our underemployed protagonist from 2001 all the way back to the Middle Ages, where he shows Medieval Europe how things are done in LA. Pretending to be a jester in order to gain the kingdom's trust, he meets a fair damsel
with which he works to stop the tyranny against the poor.
The clashing of Medieval tropes and early 2000's hip-hop culture is interesting, but after the main character gets settled in, the story becomes less like an absurd comedy and more like a traditional fairy tale. Still, some film scholars have pointed out
the racial commentary in the ending, which I won't give away, but it hints that the movie has more brains than critics gave it credit for.
Available on VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: C+
"Body Rock" comes off a wave of break-dancing movies in the mid-80's. It features a break-dancer trying to become famous, enlisting the help of a local black kid. There's not much to this movie,
and the pacing suffers, although the theme song did make it to the Billboard Hot 100.
Available on VHS, Betamax, and DVD
Grade: D
This biopic about Freddie Mercury is not a reliable representation of his life. With a PG-13 rating, any sex or drug use had to be out of frame, which feels awkward for a story about a glam rock star.
Toward the end, there is also a glaring historical inaccuracy. Still, Rami Malek did a convincing job as Mercury, and the concert sequences are slickly produced. For these reasons, the film is entertaining to watch, even if it doesn't succeed as a biopic in the
traditional sense.
Available on DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: B-
Ladies and gentlemen...the most depressing horror-comedy ever made. "Brain Damage" gets an A for creature effects and gore, but its theme of drug addiction makes it feel
strangely real. A young man finds a talking parasite attached to the back of his neck, which injects a hallucinogenic, euphoric substance directly into his brain. But for each time he gets high,
someone's brain has to be eaten.
There's nothing wrong with dark humor, but the torment and isolation affecting our protagonist is so realistic that it's hard to watch. For instance, when he tries to quit the substance, the parasite
tortures him with nightmares until he begs to get another buzz. "Brain Damage" is effective as an anti-drug movie, but the comedy doesn't land.
Available on VHS, Betamax, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: C-
"Brainstorm" opens with the premise of virtual reality, which is remarkable for a 1983 release. Through recording a person's brainwaves and downloading the tape onto a headset, another person can experience every sensory detail they do. The possibilities appear promising, including simulated travel,
as well as sexual encounters that render pornography obsolete.
When one of the researchers dies of a heart attack and records her thoughts, one of her co-workers, played by Christopher Walken, becomes obsessed with retrieving the tape in order to simulate what happens after death. This clashes with the company, which is taken over by an agenda to use the technology for military torture.
The aspect ratio of the film changes as we shift from the perspective of the real world to the simulation. Unfortunately, the same level of detail wasn't given to the plot, which has a terrific setup, but little payoff. While we witness the conflict between militaristic and existential interests, the events in the movie have little consequence, leaving us in the dark about the societal repercussions.
I also struggled to comprehend why the company was so against the "reckless" behavior of our protagonist, when their goal is even worse. "Brainstorm" feels like a missed opportunity, but if nothing else, it's an interesting watch.
Available on VHS, Betamax, CED, LaserDisc, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: B-
Although aimed at children, "The Brave Little Toaster" is surprisingly mature. It features a collection of appliances who live at a cabin. The young boy who visits it is known as the "Master".
When the cabin is sold, the appliances take it upon themselves to find the Master, only to realize that years have passed, and they are obsolete next to all the new technology.
Apart from a nightmare sequence featuring a clown, as well as a scene where terrified machines are disassembled to death, this movie features the existential theme of attachment when the world
has moved on. "The Brave Little Toaster" stands out as a cartoon with something to say, other than pandering to a younger audience.
Available on VHS, LaserDisc, and DVD
Grade: B+
Appearing on Siskel & Ebert's "Worst of 1985" list, "The Bride" deserves a second look. It stars Sting as Dr. Frankenstein, who creates a woman out of reanimated flesh. His first creation, a male monster,
is quickly abandoned, and joins a traveling circus. Meanwhile, the undead woman tries to live beyond the boundaries imposed by her creator.
One of the biggest points of criticism is the acting of Jennifer Beals. While it is quite wooden, it makes sense for a reanimated corpse. Another point of criticism is the pacing, which oscillates as we move back and forth
between the two monsters. While there is a lot of exposition in Frankenstein's castle, it allows you to soak up the Gothic atmosphere, which is actually done quite well. What I can't defend is how the plot has a tendency to make up its own rules,
such as the monsters suddenly having a psychic connection. But this movie is a pleasant surprise, with moments of genuine tension. At one point, there is a brutal death that pushes the PG-13 envelope, calling
back to a time when the rating wasn't used as a marketing gimmick.
Available on VHS, Betamax, DVD, and Blu-Ray
Grade: B-
Sting's movie about the beginning of his band is energetic as a concert film, but boring as a documentary. In it, African American musicians are recruited from various backgrounds,
but much of the first half glosses over this, instead focusing on Sting himself. He appears very self-absorbed in the interviews, talking in a way that tries to be more profound than it really is.
When you see the concert sequences for "The Dream of the Blue Turtles" tour, it starts feeling less like a vanity project, and more like a slickly directed music video. "Bring On the Night" could
have been better if it focused less on Sting and more on his music.
Available on VHS and DVD
Grade: C
In the fall of 1998, there were two computer-generated movies with anthropomorphic ants - "Antz" and "A Bug's Life". But whereas "Antz" holds appeal for adults, "A Bug's Life" is clearly a kid's movie.
It tells the story of an ant colony who owes a food ration that they don't have to angry grasshoppers, fighting back with a troupe of circus insects.
Much like in "Toy Story", the animation is cutting-edge for the time. However, the plot and dialogue are simplistic to appeal to a wide audience, negatively affecting rewatchability. "A Bug's Life" is a good
movie, but not as good as "Antz".
Available on VHS, DVD, Blu-Ray, and UHD
Grade: B
"The Bye Bye Man" sounds less like a horror movie title and more like a five-year-old's imaginary friend. The plot involves a spiritual being that gains its power from belief. However,
many moments in the film make little sense, as it was edited from R to PG-13, with elements of the story removed. Add in substandard acting and CGI effects, and you have a horror film
that was designed to sell tickets, with little concern for actually being scary. Still, some unintentionally funny moments make it passable schlock.
Available on DVD and Blu-Ray
Grade: D